Let's talk about the hiatus first! I'm gonna go for a mini hiatus indefinitely while i try to get my life back into shape. I'm so dead tired omg and it's just the first week of tutorials and it's only Wednesday (well it's going to be thursday but whatever, you get the point). I've also noticed that when i try to rush my work under pressure i just get more and more uninspired, which i think is happening to my POKEDEXY series. So i need a bit of time to prepare for that as well as do the commissions that are due soon. I won't be posting art for at least a week but I will continue my replies to comments so I can still keep in touch/ be available if you need me! But if you don't see a reply for a while, don't worry, I probably KOed and am too tired to type a reply.
Ok i'm done talking about the hiatus so if you have things to do, you can stop reading here and go do your work
It's gonna be a long ride from here on so make sure you're ready to read it all only if you really want to. Also, procrastination is deadly, don't procrastinate here! >:c To those who are daring enough to read on, thank you so much and i apologize for the length in advance!
Real talk time! I don't know about you guys but i always kind of feel better after i spit out whatever's inside of me online. And for some reason it also always helps if i know it's in a place people can see it despite not knowing if they'll read it. It really helps especially since i have a really big problem venting and letting out my inner turmoils to people i know in person? This includes all my friends and especially my family. So the internet is one of the only places i can talk? :/
But never mind that, it's not the point.
So. If there are people who are reading this, may i ask you a favour? Could you tell me what are your dreams (ambitions, what you want to be (profession), whatever!)...and also how you would go about achieving that? Doesn't have to be anything that you're doing now but what you intend to do such that you are able to achieve it? haha, i'm so so sorry that i'm suddenly so serious and adulty and grown-up (PAH!) but i think i've finally (at 20 LOL) hit the stage where i am seriously looking at the future and am so so so lost as to what to do. I've been in a seriously messed up state for a while now and I've never really understood why until just now when i was kind of stalking a professor at one of my lectures (whoops).
So, maybe a little background about me: despite being an avid fan of pokemon and doing pokemon fan art and playing games till my butt falls off (almost literally, off the bed), i am actually quite...academic-y in my interests? I LOVE the sciences (especially the bio sciences) and I am crazy about learning history. I could sit in front of an entire marathon of documentaries on birds, american history, medieval history, war history, Darwin, and Leonardo da Vinci for hours on end and i would still probably ask for more. But that's also where my downfall lies. My interests are so so narrow in each field. I love animals, their behaviour and adaptation, but all the micro-bio, graphs, experiments, maths all make me want to puke and kill someone because i cannot stand it. History, i'm a bit better at liking, since i don't mind reading old academic essays and books (as long as they make their points interesting to read) but i cannot for the life of me imagine making a career at sitting at a computer typing away 10000 word academic thesis papers and essays and Journal entries or fighting old grumpy academics who won't hear of other theories or engage in acutely-academic sparring. This example also highlights my main issue with myself... I'm too much of a Jack-of-all-trades-ace-of-none person not just in fields and stuff but also in interests.... I love both arts and sciences enough to do average in both but can do exceptionally well (or sometimes even just well) in both. I love to sit and read but I also love to go out and explore (not sports tho, sports and running for no reason is just pointless to me), but i cannot stand reading a thousand word essay plainly on politics and the heat gives me a huge headache and renders me almost useless. I could do maths that's average level and ace it but anything above that i cannot manage, similarly with science and the humanities. But my main point here tho, is that in my mind, the most ideal job would involve exploring and reading, animals and history. To get to the point, i've been harbouring the desire to be an archaeologist/natural historian/museum curator (especially one of natural history) for the longest time ever. And of course, therein lies the reason to my spinning head and twisting emotions for the past few weeks.
What about that prof you "stalked" you ask? Well, he's the lecturer (and i pray to Arceus that he doesn't like pokemon enough to ever find this account or this journal entry) of a module i am taking now, of the history about Darwin and Evolution. There. THAT THERE IS THE F!#*$(@$ PROBLEM. He is literally the epitome of my dreams?????? Like wtf guy, you just walk into my life after I'VE PRETTY MUCH GIVEN UP MY DREAMS OF BEING A NATURAL HISTORIAN OR BEING THE CURATOR OF THE MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY (i feel i must include context here. You must remember i live in a country that could fit into one of the cities (not even state) in the USA. So naturally the field of natural history is as important here as a dying hamster is important to the elections) AND GIVE ME LECTURE AFTER LECTURE REMINDING ME OF HOW MUCH I LOVE NATURAL SCIENCE (or at least the history of the history of natural science)?!??!?!?!?!?!? Not only that, he has an enormous list of achievements and stuff on the history of bio sciences... I'm not jealous, don't get me wrong. I'm just so disappointed in my situation. If i had that kind of opportunity, if i had not come to Singapore...would i be able to do these things as well? It's just so fricking frustrating... on one hand i was told to follow what i love to do but on the other hand in order to be able to even look at what i want to do i pretty much have to destroy the world to do it. or something.
Ugh, i'm really not good at typing out things very coherently >< But basically what i'm getting at is that i've had a dream for so long that i (only quite recently actually) gave up because it was pretty much impossible, realistically speaking. And even more realistically speaking, because of my jack-of-all-trades nature, I am not sure would be suitable for me. What if i get sick of it, no matter how much i love it now? Yet these lectures... they capture my attention like no other lectures have. Maybe it's just the prof is really good? you know, sometimes... i just wish i wasn't me. Like i wish i was one of those people who can actually find something they like and stick to it. Why can't i love maths and economics and business like a normal human being so that my life can be easier. Why am i so stupidly childish to hold onto a dream that's so fricking impossible??? Why can't i decide what i want. Why am i still sitting here telling myself i want to major in history when i can't see what i will be in the future. I refuse to be a teacher...yet... I. don't. know.
So, I'm just like some lost soul floating around. I want to imagine myself in the future working on history, in museums, explaining to people history and reading and learning more about history and animals. I don't want to be an academic. I don't want to be a teacher. I don't want to work in business. but that's where, inevitably i'll end up in. But for some reason, i cannot imagine that to be me. Sometimes (ok, i'm going a bit emo here) i feel like i should just.... X_X.... so that i can just not bother about the fricking future, stranded on this island that would provide nothing, absolutely nothing for me. Except maybe an education.
heh.. i sound so childish don't i? Like a kid that doesn't want to grow up. But every time i see those "follow your dreams" thing.... i just get so sad, you know? it's all well and dandy if your dream is to be an entrepreneur, or if you dream to write a book. Both are, of course possible, if you do work hard. but there are somethings that just... cannot be fulfilled no matter what you do. And that's what troubles me the most, and what compelled me to vomit all these words here for the public to read.
If you read the whole thing, thank you very much. If you read part of the way, also thank you. If you only read the hiatus, thanks also, I'm so sorry i had to do it. This coupled with the pressure of school is just throwing me off the loop and making me feel so tired and disoriented. I need a break, i hope you understand, and thank you so much for supporting my art all the way. Sometimes i feel like my dA and the people here that constantly engage conversations with me are what keeps me afloat, especially in times like these.